tei kallistei

Entirely true stories – beautifully retold. Near London.

Claire and Mr X

Hello there,

It’s been a while hasn’t it!
I haven’t really had all that much to say to be honest.

Remember how my mum works with Claire’s mum? Her mum told mine (gosh this sounds like playground gossip) that Claire and Mr X, who were wildly in love, went out for drinks or one of his best friend’s birthdays.

Whilst there, the friend asked Mr X if he was still unemployed. Claire immediately asked what he meant, as Mr X told her the company had given him 6 weeks off at once, as he hadn’t taken any holiday for a year. As soon as I heard this when they got together, I got suspicious. Especially seeing as when I met him, he was unemployed, saying that he worked for the police force, a blatant lie.

I’m very gullible, but even I can see through that.

Apparently Mr X and Claire went outside for a while to talk and he left her stranded in the town crying, as him and his friends went home. Claire doesn’t drive, so she has no idea of the area, or how to get home from there. Instead, she called her mum, who said there was nothing she could do (her mum doesn’t drive, parents are divorced, no siblings) and she couldn’t afford a taxi home for Claire. So she found her way back to Mr X’s house where she was meant to be staying. All her belongings were thrown into the front garden, she was let inside and slept on the floor.

Recently, she has also got fired from her job. She met with Mr X recently for a drink so they could talk. He said he had been signed off with depression for 6 weeks and now his return to work is more than overdue, so he’s been trying to call the company but they’re not returning his calls.

I mean, can anyone other than me see through this lie? He said he’s sold everything as he refuses to claim Jobseekers Allowance. Now, I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but I’m pretty confident that he got fired and therefore couldn’t claim for 6 weeks, as are the rules, rather than just refusing to.  So Claire has told him they can only be friends.

I would say what a terrible case of bad luck… but unfortunately this has nothing to do with luck. I knew Mr X would not change, he lies constantly in an attempt to impress. I don’t think that people change that much in such a short space of time.

There are people in the world who I know would think I would never change, that I would never find stability or achieve much. In fact, these people would pay money to watch me fail. I’m now in a stable relationship with a career I enjoy, that is success to me, I don’t have to try and make it anymore.

I’m not sure how Claire and Mr X will be, I don’t see them remaining friends.

I Love You

Jack came home from Reading just for the weekend.

He had an interview in Canterbury on Friday and so came home Thursday afternoon.
I saw him Thursday night, nothing big, I just went to his house, saw his mum and stepdad again and then we had a relaxing night chatting and catching up.

It was Sunday that was a truly odd day. Not odd in a bad way, but my life has become so bizarre all of a sudden. If you had told me this time last year that in a year I’d be running my own business, meeting so many different people from loads of walks of life, and would have a boyfriend who most of the time never fails to make me happy, I would have laughed in your face. 
We went shopping and had plans to have lunch out in a restaurant we have developed a liking for after eating there once before. After lunch when we were back at his house, Jack had planned for his dad to come over so I could meet him. I have always known that Jack is really close to his dad. In a way it’s sweet. I have a good relationship with my parents, but I don’t think we are as close as Jack is with his dad. And so I knew that my meeting him would be important to them both.

We had a really wonderful day shopping and then got back home where his dad met us. 
We all sat round the table and talked, well, I tried to at least. Once the family was in deep conversation I could hardly understand a word. I feel very homesick recently, missing France a lot and occasionally (often rarely) I mishear or get confused about things in English. It’s so peculiar, my mind takes in the words but just cannot understand them sometimes and so I will stare blankly. Much as I probably did on Sunday.

His dad seems very nice though.

Then Jack and I were going to look at cameras (I’d like to buy a new one for business photos) but instead we opened each other’s valentines cards (he’ll be in Reading again on Valentines day) and talked for ages, about all sorts and just laughing.

“I think there’s something I should say.” Jack began. 
Oh here we go. I thought, ever the cynic. Whenever a guy says something like that it’s a confession or the beginning of an argument. I moved back.

He explained how happy he was with me, before saying “and so I feel like… I love you.”

It was so adorable. Enjoy life everyone. I now have to go organise a few meetings.

Make Happiness

After having a few bad dreams in the night and unsettled sleep, I woke up feeling very down and demotivated.

I get like this from time to time. I don’t really have a middle ground, one minute I am feeling euphoric and entirely empowered and full of energy, and the next I could be so low I’m crying whilst trying to remember reasons to get up and do something.

What do you do in that situation? I have no idea. I still don’t know how I get out of these ruts.
This time last year I was experiencing the worst depression I have ever felt. This was due to many life events at the time that happened one after the other, strings of bad luck and I couldn’t see a way out of it. I knew it would get better eventually, because life goes up and down – but when would be my ‘eventually’?

I started to feel more like myself in late May, maybe June. Perhaps even April were the days that seemed a little brighter and less heavy and burdensome. I got myself through with inspiring quotes “If you are going through hell, keep going” (Churchill)
And “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.” (Thoreau).

One that really pushed me through was this one “And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.”

It spoke to me because it’s true, I think my storm is over, but I’m not the same person. Whilst I can sometimes have days where self-doubt and an overwhelming sense of inferiority cripple me, in general I am a much stronger person. I feel like I’ve experienced so much with regard to other people that nothing would surprise me anymore.

I’m used to people saying no, I’m used to people being sly and untrustworthy. This isn’t just in my personal life, but in business.
Setting up my own business has been such a learning curve but I’m doing it. I definitely couldn’t have done this this time last year.

So yes, sometimes I do get days where I feel entirely useless, but it’ll pass and I can do it. I know ‘eventually’ will come.

“All that ever holds somebody back I think, is fear. For a moment I had fear. Then I went into the dressing room and shot my fear in the face.” (Lady Gaga) - and I actually have this on my wall beside my desk.

Thank You

Gosh where to begin.

I had my birthday drinks which was an experience. A small group of us went to the pub and then on to a local club where one of my friends works. At the start of the night I went to the ATM. Three guys went before me, paying no attention to a homeless man sheltering in a doorway about a metre away from the machine. He paid no attention to them.

They got their money and started to walk away, so I put my card into the machine. The man lifted himself from the doorway and slowly moved towards me. He was stood so close to me he was touching my side and then, he exclaimed “someone’s rich! The fucking money in this country makes me sick!” I intended to carry on.

Not in a foolish way, but I don’t get scared of many people anymore, and I assumed the worst and that I was alone. He carried on and said “I’ll blacken your fucking eyes.” at that point I cancelled my card and pulled it from the machine.

Time seemed to stop as I examined my options in a split second but for what felt like forever.

Number one: he had seen me enter my PIN, he could take the card and rob me.
Number two: he could overpower me and force me to enter the card and get money for him.
Number three: I assumed the worst and assumed I was entirely alone in the whole street. I then also assumed that he could physically hurt me. If he takes money money is fine, that can be sorted out.  I considered what I would do if he even laid a finger on me.

Have you ever seen the Sherlock films where before a fight scene Robert Downey Jr considers each move meticulously in slow motion? It felt like that, and I considered how easily I could get him to the ground and run.

I backed away slowly, and then started to speed up. I thought I was entirely alone, but as I came back to reality and looked up, the three guys who were before me had waited, checked I was ok, and we walked together. I never thanked them.. but thank you.

Since then I went to Reading again to see Jack, I’ve been working hard at business and life has been ticking over as it does sometimes. No grand dramas.

I suppose the man was more of an opportunist, I look very young for my age, so when a girl comes up to the ATM he’d see what he could get away with.

I don’t scare of people very easily anymore, not since I was in a relationship where at times I thought our rows would end with me in hospital. A lot of the time, people say things but never act on them. In English we say they bark but don’t bite, in French the same thing is said “chien qui aboie ne mord pas.” a barking dog doesn’t bite. He was probably never going to do me harm or he would have just done it without saying anything, without threatening.

However you need to be careful out there. Sometimes I am so thankful that the kindness of strangers does still exist.

You Are Haunting Me

Goodness, it has been a while since I’ve posted.

I haven’t had internet at home for nearly a week, so I was making use of the 3G with my iPad and I’ve had an incredibly stressful week.

Saturday I went to London with the intention to see Oscar but ended up meeting Jasper and spending the day with him. I didn’t get to Willesden Junction to see Oscar until about 6.
As I had deep down thought, my day with Jasper was hideously boring. He may be beautiful, but we don’t have a spark in terms of spoken conversation. We haven’t spoke since, apart from when I wished him a happy birthday on Wednesday.

Sunday I saw William, we just went to a local shopping centre for coffee and as usual spoke for ages. Then we started to look around the shops, and when I looked forward, my heart skipped a beat. Robert was stood infront of me. I haven’t seen him since we broke up, and he hasn’t changed at all. He hadn’t noticed me, the same as I hadn’t noticed him. When he saw me, his face changed to complete shock, almost confusion – as if he wasn’t sure I was me, or if he had seen me properly.

I felt myself start to shake, my whole body. I thought I was over being scared of him. After a relationship with him I didn’t think I was scared of anyone. Perhaps my reaction wasn’t me being scared, but more like a mixture of every emotion and memory resurfacing.

Nothing happened, we walked past each other, he still looked at me but we just carried on.

Claire is still with Mr X. In fact, they’re basically living together after a month. He didn’t leave her house once in 3 days. Of course, she has done no work at all.

Not that I really mind.

And then tomorrow is my birthday drinks. I’ll become another year older on Tuesday so I’m just having a small get together, my main guests being William and Mark. I haven’t seen Mark since I visited him in Portsmouth. Too long.

I feel so thoughtful and reflective. Not to mention tired.

Let’s Make A Toast

My mum came home from work yesterday itching to tell me the most peculiar story.
She works with the girl I’ve foolishly hired and who I’m trying to dismiss on the grounds that she just simply doesn’t do any work and come crunch time, it’s me sacrificing sleep, meals and my sanity to carry both of us. Long story short, I can’t do it anymore, what seemed like a good idea at the start is now my nightmare.

I’ll call the girl Claire. So, my mum itching to tell me the story perched on my bed as I sat at my desk designing.
“Claire has a boyfriend!!” She exclaimed. However her exclamation wasn’t joy, more like humour and so I waited for the rest of the story. “Apparently you know him,” and she said his name.

“MR X?!?!” I cried, covering my mouth in shock. “Oh this is bad, very bad.”
“Why? Claire’s mum said he’s lovely, even though she’s never met him, they’re both overjoyed.”
“Mum, let me fill you in,” I began.
I told her all about how he was fired from one job in January 2013 for breaking up with his girlfriend then stalking her and then whilst he was unemployed how he lied about working for the police teaching officers how to shoot.
I told her how he then proceeded to chase me incessantly, the stuff he said when I got together with Eddie, and how he started a fist fight over me.
Her face worsened with all these stories.

“Do we tell her?” She asked.
Ah, the age old dilemma. Do you tell your friends the things you know about their partners?
“No,” I replied after much thought, “that makes me look like a bitch and he’ll only fly into a rage I’ve told her his shortcomings, I don’t want to seem like the girl who ruins happiness, if she can’t tell from the outset that he has some issues then she is very, very blind, and not even me telling her will make her see.”

And so today Claire’s mum has been asking my mum about him, and she’s been replying with nothing more than “I don’t know, sue didn’t really say too much about him.”
Tonight he is at her house cooking dinner, oh Lord, I would love to know what her mum thinks of this character. Only time will tell.

What makes it worse, is that he’s obviously told these people we’re friends, as he must have said he knows me, yet it hasn’t been mentioned how he punched a wall and trashed his stuff after I told him I was with Eddie and he needed to back off.

Oh well, here’s to Claire and mr X, and here’s to the future of my business, let’s toast.

Now Here You Go Again, You Say You Want Your Freedom

It has been a crazy week. I have spent a few days in bed doing nothing at all because I just feel so unwell. I’m not sure if it is stress because every time I think of the things I have looming over me I tense up recently. For some reason, and I am entirely unsure why, but I feel utterly terrified of failing and making a fool of myself. I’m thinking of the quote “those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.” I just need to pump myself up and I’m sure that’ll be fine when I’m back to feeling 100%, at the moment I’m still unwell.

After I was well enough to leave my bed I saw jack for a little bit. Nothing big, just sitting around at his house watching tv and we spent some time fine combing the ASOS site as I’m still looking for a perfect pair of jeans.
His phone suddenly lit up with texts, one after the other and sensing the urgency he apologised as he checked his texts, and then told me he would have to make a quick phone call but it was nothing important and I could stay. So I did.

A girl’s voice blared down the phone. “Jack, I need to get to Victoria, how much is the train?”
why is she asking us? We’re busy, go away.
I couldn’t help but overhear, either the girl, with her poorly spoken accent and blunt, lazy speech was yelling, or jack’s phone was set to be incredibly loud.
“Oh it’ll be roughly £12 for a return.” I said, only trying to help so we could wrap up this conversation and get back to our day.
“Who the hell was that?!” The girl exclaimed.
“”Sue?” Jack responded.
“Well where are you then?” She continued to bark.
“At home?”
“Look you obviously don’t care about talking to me, have a good time with Sue. Honestly she’s such a bitch, all I did was ask a question and you never even see me anymore.” This girl was really going off on a rant and jack remained silent and then told her I was only helping as I laughed.
“I know she can hear everything I’m saying about her and I don’t care.” This girl carried on.
Jack left the room to calm her down and say goodbye.

I didn’t mind, I trust him, I know he wants to be with me. But as he returned and sat down I felt the need to address it.
“As ridiculous and hilarious as that was,” I began, “I restrained myself very well, make no doubt, if that ever happens again I will take the phone. You may be friends but I don’t know her, so I don’t care what I say to her.”
With that it was done. That night I spoke to mark about it all, apparently this girl is incredibly possessive of jack despite having a boyfriend. Well, we all know that doesn’t mean anything.

That night I also had a tough chat with jasper. About how he wants to see me, he doesn’t want to be another Eddie. He really is lovely, and he has amazingly huge, dark eyes which just draw you to look at his face. The first time we met over summer, cocktails in Hammersmith, I found him peculiar, but nice, even though we didn’t say all that much. I think it was the second time I saw him, after my interview when Eddie invited me back for dinner, that I really noticed him. He’s incredibly caring and conscientious, but just because we’ve now discussed what we want doesn’t make things any easier. To me he will always remind me of Eddie, and he will almost certainly keep links with Eddie.

And then there is jack, we all went to the pub Thursday, as a group. It was a great evening, but jack did get very tipsy and when I took him home (I’m not drinking for a while, I’m on tablets) he said how close he is coming to feeling like he loves me. Oh no, too soon, far too soon. Sober he said he meant it, but I can’t say I love you to another person yet. For many reasons.

Games

I’m not quite sure how to start this post. I’ve been I’ll since about Christmas Eve, being sick, passing out, I’m not even sure where I caught this from. Yesterday was the worst day.

On Friday Jack and I went to a shopping centre near us and after we had plans to go to the cinema as a group, a gathering organised by Eddie.
We hit the sales, picked up a few pieces and then mine and jack’s minds wandered to lunch.
He took me to a restaurant and paid for everything.

We were seated next to a couple I couldn’t help but watch with some interest. They were both just picking at their food, he was telling her stories that she blatantly wasn’t interested in. She wasn’t even saying anything in response. I could tell that this wasn’t a recent development, they had obviously been like this for a long time, I recognised myself and Robert in them, and everyone knows how glad I am that I got out of that.

Jack and I had our own conversation until the woman got up, pulled on her coat and exclaimed she was going outside. The guy apologised to Jack and I for the scene. They were older than us, only by a few years, but they seemed so immature. He had one more mouthful of whatever he was eating and then left the restaurant, blatantly embarrassed. I saw them a few moments later walk past. He stared in and caught my eye, she trailed behind on her phone.

It was then, in those quiet moments that Jack told me he wanted to be with me. I looked on at him, my mind going a mile a minute. I remembered when I visited him in Reading when he first told me he wanted to be with me. The rest doesn’t need to be said, and we carried on our day.

That night we were waiting in the cinema lobby, there were currently 6 of us, waiting for the 7th person. Everyone was chatting and that’s when Eddie started speaking to me. He asked me about one of his friends at his party a couple of weeks ago. “He can get very touchy when he’s drunk. Did he touch you? This is very typical of him,” he said and with that, Eddie extended his arm and ran his fingers through my hair.

The whole group saw and looked on in shock, with confused expressions on their faces. But they also saw me lean back, looking startled as the guy I used to date ran his fingers through my hair. After some spiteful comments from Eddie we went inside.
Eddie then spent the evening flirting with one of the other girls.
What a character.
Luckily for me it is a game I am no longer interested in playing.

I can also see why Eddie is housemates with jasper. Deep down they are incredibly similar. Jasper said he wanted to see me but no, I don’t think I will be going to Pinner or Hammersmith to visit him.

I Can Be Tonight

It has been a long and busy week.

I read back through this blog to find the name I had given Eddie’s housemate, it was Jasper. I had named him jasper.
On Monday I sent him a message on Facebook apologising for if he found everything at Eddie’s party awkward.
I didn’t expect a reply and I wished him a good stay in Jerusalem, but he replied.
He said he didn’t find it awkward and that it was nice, and since then I have been receiving photos of where he’s staying and he’s been talking to me quite a bit..

Jasper is honestly adorable, but I don’t see anything happening there. I just felt I had to clear the air or make sure that Saturday night wasn’t awkward for him.

He really does have the most colourful family history though, he told me last night his great grandmother is still alive, and she had his grandmother when she was 15 in Bombay. I am sure the stories she could tell would be spectacular.

Eddie had also text me to thank me for coming and we spoke for a little while. He said some lovely things about how no matter what happens he doesn’t think anything I do is out of spite or to be malicious. And with that, everything truly ended. Honestly no more links with Eddie, nothing more, we are done, and I can move on, to wherever that may be.

Thursday was our work Christmas meal at a local marriott hotel. I have been there a few times before for business, but never to actually socialise.
There was a seating plan which meant I was on the CEO’s table, but luckily sat next to Marcia, and so we spoke for the whole dinner about all sorts of stuff.

“Eddie was an idiot, and if I’m honest you’re better off without him,” she began,
“Yes, I know” I agreed.
“But what of this jasper? Show me a picture what is he like?”

I showed her a picture but explained I don’t think much would happen there.
“I’m also confused about Matthew!” She exclaimed. And we spoke about how the stories of his girlfriend don’t add up. How can he say to me she lives in Thailand, yet say to her she lives in the north?

It was over dinner that Marcia told me one of our coworker’s wife is an alcoholic and he has to raise their these sons without her help. Stories like that really upset me, I wish there was more I could do, I hate seeing him so depressed and I hope one day it all sorts itself out.

But then there is jack. We enjoy each other’s company but he wants to move so fast. And I just don’t want to yet.

And so it has been a busy week and i know it probably won’t stop here. I realised earlier today, I can never decide what I want to make me happy.
Is that such a bad thing? More often that not, and as stupid as this sounds, when the people around me are happy I’m always pretty happy too.

Hungover Memories

Eddie’s party was last night.

What a night. I took Stephen with me and for the whole train and tube ride I was panicking and saying how I didn’t want to go at all.

We got there and Eddie asked how I was and what I had been doing.
“Things are great,” I replied, and I told him that I had gone to Reading a few weekends ago. I could tell he wasn’t happy about that but when we got back things were fine.

The evening carried on on the fine line of being good but also being terrible. He sat and spoke with me about everything which was interesting and I don’t even remember much from that conversation.
I remember saying it was all in the past and I eventually said “its almost as if you think I haven’t moved on?”
“Well have you moved on?” Eddie asked. He looked at me.
“Yes,” I replied.
“That’s why you went to Reading isn’t it?”
I sighed wondering what to reply to Eddie, Jack and I said we’d speak to him together.
“Yes, and Jack and I wanted to speak to you about it all together, I’m sorry you have to find out from me though. But that’s it, and I’m happy now, what we had – It means nothing now.”
Eddie looked me directly in the eye “ouch, well that hurt” he exclaimed.
I apologised and we carried on with the night.

We were making stupid comments at each other for the rest of the evening until I went upstairs and started talking to his housemate. The one who we went to cocktails with in the summer and who is Jewish. I have mentioned him before but I can’t remember the name I gave him for the purposes of this blog. 

By this point Stephen is passed out on Eddie’s bed in the room downstairs and I am alone with this boy sat on his bed together talking about our expectations, our lives, our ambitions.
I always thought he had a girlfriend but then he said “no, I wish, but no. Not for a long while.”
We were speaking for ages about things such as Eddie and people and then somehow, almost as if it was all of a sudden, the house fell silent and everyone just went to bed.

God knows where I was going to sleep. Someone had occupied the sofa in the living room and unless I wanted to sleep on the floor I would have to share a bed with one of the guys in the house. 
We ended up both sleeping in his bed and I laid close to the edge so not to intrude or take up too much of his space. But he began to cuddle up to me and we fell asleep together at about 3 or 4am.

I woke up at about 8 to find myself with my ex’s housemate in their house in London, he was awake too and at that point we started talking about our families and plans for Christmas. He is going to Jerusalem tomorrow to visit family for two weeks. How fascinating.

Every now and then he would just look into my eyes and smile and he would move closer to kiss my forehead or the back of my neck, his breathing trembled as if it meant the biggest thing.

Nothing happened, just that he would come over to hug me from time to time. He was lovely but I know what I want. Being with Jack felt right from the start, as if it was meant to have started sooner.

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